Wednesday, June 18, 2008


Well, here I am in Baltimore. I'm tired and uncomfortable, and I've eaten too much. It's early morning on Wednesday, and every bone in my body aches after two nights on the sofa, and there isn't a chair in this house that I find really comfortable. I'm hoping that I remember this the next time I get some yen for leather furniture... pretty to look at, comfortable for a while, but after a while... sticky, and for me anyway, just not comfy. Some of this is probably my fault; there are sleeping alternatives to the couch, but they all seem like A Lot of Trouble, and so I go to sleep on the couch... and wake up with my legs cramped, and tired and grouchy. And there are these stupid wind chimes, which I am about 10 minutes from throwing over the balcony...

And I'm not eating right, not really. Too much food in general, but also sitting here late-night and reading and eating dried fruit... better, I suppose, than some other choices, but high in sugar, high in calories, definitely not on plan. I feel... well, stuffed and ready to roast. Like the pork I'm cooking today.

Mom is... I don't know. Nauseated a lot of the time; that's the chemo. Frail. It is frightening when you suddenly realize that your mother's hands look like your grandmother's. When did this happen? When did she get this old? It's hard to really know what's happening here, how much of this is the chemo and how much of it is the cancer. Hard to know much of anything. Hard to have any idea what to do, what to think, what to feel. She's more herself than she was last summer after the surgery, just sick all the time... but I have no idea what the next step on this path could possibly be.

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