Monday, May 19, 2008

This Week + Angst

Michael: -3.3 lbs, 493.2, total loss since January: 50.2 lbs., (overall loss since 2006, 120.7)
Nina: +0.22 lbs, 280.5, total loss since January: 21.7 lbs.

Not a bad week really. I essentially broke even (but lost a lot last week, so that's ok); Michael did well.

I have a confession to make, in this semi-public place. I did something today that I haven't done in a long time, sat down with a book and at least twice as much food as I needed and tried to tune the world out. Yes, it was low carb (excess meat mostly). No, it wasn't what one would call a binge. Yes, it was comfort eating. Was it the biggest deal in the universe? No. But does it kind of feel that way... yeah, although it's that kind of day; everything feels like the end of the world.

I could sit here and tell you why I did this... and I did it with perfect knowledge of what I was doing. One of those days, and all that; a bunch of things that just kicked off some deep miserable stuff. But there are always things like this; life is just like this, for me anyway. And I kind of thought that I'd gotten to the point where this wasn't the thing that I looked for; that food and zoning out of this reality wasn't something that I saw as a solution. Sometimes you get to look at just how thin the line is between new behaviors and old, between the person you believe yourself to be now and the person you used to be. It just doesn't take much to slide right back there.

The fact of the matter is that that these days, I think that everything is mostly fine with the way that I eat, but it's a tightrope act. I'm kept in balance by one very powerful force, loving someone who needs to lose weight even more that I do, by the fact that my heart is in my throat half the time because I get so worried about him. And that forces me to make the right choices for me, too. It's a good thing, but it's not stable, you know? I mean, what I do is propped up by him in some sense, like the safety net that's under the tightrope. It's not a bad thing that the net is there, but at the same time, you wish you were brave enough not to need it. Something like that. It's easy to make the right choices for someone you love. It's a lot harder to make the right choices for you. I don't think that's the way it's supposed to be, but for me, at this point in time, it seems to be the way that it is.

What's for dinner? Steak, I think, unless I can get it together and go to the store for some fish, which I'd much prefer.

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