Sunday, April 13, 2008

Snow Day

Remember those spring in upstate NY pics I posted a while ago? It's snowing this morning. Typical.

I have a lot to do today, most of it things that I should have done weeks ago, like file for a tax extension (no way in hell will we get taxes done by the 15th). Plus the usual stuff, made more annoying by yesterday's hard drive crash. Ok, I only lost 2 months of things, and really, that's not a lot, and it could be just so much worse... and I've had it be much worse; years ago I lost a totally not backed up hard drive with years of data on it... traumatic, but really it's kind of amazing what you can do without if it's just gone. It still seems sometimes, though, that a huge chunk of my past is missing. I'd like to go back and remember who I was then... or, I suppose, maybe I wouldn't. Not really.

Anyway, all of that means that I somehow have to push through this lethargy that's been just consuming me lately. I'm up, and I've made the tea, and nibbled on a yummy chicken sausage, and now I need to get some things done, just DO them. I'm a all or nothing person really; that's the problem... only two speed, zoom and slug. Lately I've been set on sub-slug, reluctant-slug, something like that. I need to get some motivation back somehow.

But my weight is fractionally lower again for today... and so if we can just have a decent food day today, it might look pretty good for the week. And maybe... just maybe... Michael will be below 500. It's a stretch; he'd have to be 5 lbs lighter than he was mid-week, the last time he weighed himself, and he hasn't been losing at that rate. But it could happen. Next week if not this week, right?

This is a lonely thing sometimes. Michael, who is far from a morning person, is sitting in the next chair snoring lightly and looking like a reject zombie. And I sit here and write... to whoever will read. Hi, everyone. How are you this Sunday morning? What are you doing today? Will it be fun? Sometimes you feel the spider-thread connections to everyone else in the world, and sometimes you just feel alone and like there's no one you can say that to.

Anyway. Sometimes you just have to believe. And keep going with things, right or wrong.


Carol said...

Good morning Nina,

I haven't written to you for a very long time, although I do read your posts fairly regularly. I've been involved in a family crisis with a lot of drama...and with it, I've been kind of in hermit mode...hiding out, not wanting to be involved much.

One of my daughters (only 45 years old) is literally dying right now of complications of diabetes and her years-long drug habit...end-stage liver disease, shut-down kidneys, and to top it off, now MRSA she contacted in one of her more-than-a-dozen hospital stays since last Thanksgiving. Two weeks ago, the docs asked her 2 older sons who have medical power of attorney about a Do No Resuscitate order, so we know it's getting closer to the end...even though we've been thinking the end will be THIS year for the past 7 or 8 years.

I've raised her 3 sons, and am still raising the youngest, so all my energy goes towards them...being there for them through this. My feelings about my daughter run the gamut from anger to sadness...and that's all I'll say now about what's going on here.

I felt your pain this morning when you talked about this being a lonely journey for you. I'm hoping that letting you know I'm still here might help you feel less alone.

I understand the feelings of being a "slug," too. I think that comes from being a bit overwhelmed, maybe? And your weather! If I was facing more snow in April, I'd go back to hibernating!! At least I get to be here in sunny Tucson, where we had a "cold snap" this week that put us back into the 60s during the day and the mid-40s at night. Today, we're projected to hit 90. Spring has sprung here with flowers everywhere and the palo verde trees just starting to bloom this week. Please don't think I'm rubbing it in! I'm not...I just feel for you cooped up there, still pretty much in winter mode.

You and Michael seem to have figured out the eating thing in a better way lately. I think that's wonderful! Don't listen to your "friend:" who tells you that that you can't win this battle. I absolutely believe that you can...and WILL!! You are, in fact, doing it now, even if some of the day-to-day stuff is challenging.

Hang in there! Keep up the good work! Some day you will be able to let your friend know that she is wrong.

I'll sign off for now...and will try to chat with you more often.

Happy Sunday!


Nina said...

Oh, Carol, I'm so sorry. This must be terrible for you... even though it's been dragged out for years and years; it doesn't make it really any better. I have a sister who has been an addict most of her life, and I just know way too well how this goes. And how it goes on and one and takes everything that there is out of you. I'm sure that you know this... and it has to be even harder as a mother... but there's some point where you have to realize that you've done everything that you can do and choose to do what's best for you. But there are no good things here, just shades of less bad. My heart goes out to you, which is one of those things that people just say, but I mean it.

And thank you for writing... I was feeling so lonely this morning; it's hard some days to just keep at this, even though really it's going well, all things considered. I'm just hoping that it keeps going this way and that we can finally make some real headway. Michael was talking today about maybe being able to lose 100 lbs by Christmas... and it's the first time in ages that he's sounded really positive about this, so there's a lot of hope.

Carol said...

Thanks so much for responding, helps to have someone who understands (with a family member also on drugs). Some people who know I've raised my grandsons simply dismiss my daughter as not worth considering. However, she is still my daughter and the situation is very difficult emotionally for all of us.

So glad to hear that Michael has positive expectations for his weight loss this year!!

Nina said...

I think it's impossibly difficult when it's your child. My mother is the same. For me... well, my sister has crossed so many lines... so many times... and when, as few years ago, she did something that, in my opinion anyway, endangered my son, that was the last straw. She's supposedly clean now, and that's great, but both hard to believe... and, well, a lot of the things that have always been so wrong with her are still there. In some ways, the drugs were the symptom of a lot of things a lot deeper. Anyway, I've tried to walk away, because I had to... but for my mother, it is not so simple, not so black and white, as it really became for me. You can't just give up on your child, I don't think.