Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Bleah.

I could tell you what I ate yesterday. It's boring. I forgot to take pictures, and mostly I was so irritated with myself that I didn't pay a lot of specific attention. Sigh. The day all kind of went to hell.

It all kind of went to hell in a flurry of trying to pack to go to NY tomorrow, and realizing that everything dressy that I have to wear looks terrible on me. In my opinion anyway. And certainly not like I want it to look.

I know that probably every woman (and probably man, too) has had that moment when everything in your closet is lying on the floor around you, and you realize that that you just own nothing that is what you want, and that the problem is as much you as the clothes. You have the things that you wear every day, and they don't set this off for you... they're the things that you're already comfortable in, or maybe that you just tune out because you're used to seeing them... in the same way that we don't necessarily focus on everything about what we look like every day (which actually is a Good Thing, of course. It's not like you'd really want to do that.)

But yesterday was really one of those days for me. Everything I put on either looked like a sack or was too tight, and... well, let's just say that it was all as depressing as hell.

And this is what I thought while I was totally being miserable about this. I have spent nearly three years paying incredible amounts of attention primarily to diet. I weigh... well, a little less than I did then, but not a lot. If I had just lost, say, a pound a week during this time, I would be below my goal weight. It's a little disheartening. Or it makes you think that I'm utterly delusional about what I eat and what I do, which really I'm not.

But the problem is this... and it's the heart of every problem for me, in a lot of ways. I have spent three years paying attention to Michael's weight. To what would help and support him. And, wow, in that sense, I've been incredibly successful. I've made him the focus, made choices again and again that were supportive of him, and, you know, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. But we are not the same person, and the same things do not necessarily work for us.

If I don't do something to change my ability to support him and me, I'll be sitting here two years from now, he'll be at his goal weight, and I'll be writing this again. And my back will still hurt, and I still won't have anything to wear.

Today isn't a life-change day... it's a get everything done before I go to NYC day. But after I get back, I need to spend some hard time thinking about this.

And I still have nothing that I'm happy wearing.


2 comments:

Disconnected Diva said...

Girl, I am thinking of you ! You know I have those days quite often. I think we must have the same closet !! I understand the pain ... and frankly it sucks !!

It is much easier to focus on someone else and helping them. I try to be self-less and put others first. It is only when I realize that if I am "gone" I would be HURTING them ... I have a hard time doing things for myself. Somedays I have to ... but I tell myself I am doing it for "them". Maybe not always the best motivation, but with my personality it does work.

Those "life changing" moments are rare and in my opinion this is a DAILY BATTLE for me.

Keep your chin up ! We can do this !

MizFit said...

oh woman I HEAR YOU!
I have experienced that so recently---not with weight but with a different goal and IMO it is all the same.

the AH HA moment of FRICK IF I DONT START FOCUSING ON *OUR* SUCCESS HE WILL BE THERE AND I WILL STILL BE AT SQUARE ONE.

xo xo,

Miz.