It's been a really tedious day... ALL day sitting at the car dealership waiting for tons of things to be done to the car... about 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Michael came with me, which was sweet but unnecessary, really. And we sat, and drank coffee, and did computer things, and chatted with an interesting and nice guy who used to work for Microsoft and just happened to break down near here, and listened to an endless conversation about duplicate bridge... and I like bridge, but eek... and all and all, it went on too long.
But I had lots of time to think. This is what I've been randomly thinking about lately: who do I want to be? And shouldn't I know that by now?
My almost-16 year old niece was here a couple of weeks ago, and I took her to the spa, and we had our toes done, and some other things, and then we went to the mall, and I bought her some clothes, and then we went to Sephora, the make-up/perfume place. And she said, "I'm the kind of person who wears a different perfume every day." I thought... (1) I've always been the kind of person who wears a single, signature perfume, and (2) maybe I'd like to be the kind of person who wears a different perfume every day? And then I thought, ok, this is a trivial thing, but this kid knows more about who she is and who she wants to be than I do, and I'm more than three times her age. And then I thought... sometimes this seems like everything that's wrong with my life, this not knowing what I want to be, or how to be it. Wrapping myself around the latest thing that attracts me. Finding my own identity in these things.
This bothers me, and leaves me uncertain, and makes me wonder when, if ever, I'll get to be who I really am... not the person that the people around me shape me into. Because I am not loving that person all that much these days....