Monday, July 5, 2010

One of those days

I didn't feel like this yesterday. I probably won't feel like this tomorrow. But today, everything is a little bit much.

Michael slept badly and has been feeling bad all day. I'm sure it's another low-grade porphyria attack... because his weight was actually lower yesterday and the day before. And this is starting to be the pattern, with a nauseating, horrible regularity. As soon as he cuts food enough that he starts to lose any weight, this happens. And what then? No alternative except to carb load, and it's always quick carbs, and the worst things for him, and I have no idea what this is doing to his blood sugar. It makes me cringe. It makes me sad and angry all at once. And the ugly part is that it makes me resentful as hell on a petty, stupid level, too.

Because I'd like to have a legit reason to go have a Whopper and fries and a chocolate shake. (Actually, none of those things appeal to me at all, but it's the idea...) The unpleasant fact, for me, is that in order to lose weight, I have to be eating less. A lot less. On a low-carb diet, I maintain. If I add any real carbs at all, I then start gaining, and that's exactly what's happened over the last year or so. To actually lose weight, I have to watch every calorie. And get the exercise that I'm not getting. The ugly truth is that you can lose weight on low carb pretty easily if you're young, and you haven't done it before, and your metabolism isn't already screwed up. For the rest of us... it's different. It's not so easy.

And I have no choice. I have to be well enough to take care of both of us. There isn't another choice, and that means getting this weight off, so that my hip doesn't hurt all the time, so that I'm not so tired all the time, so that everything is not sure a huge deal all the time. I have to do this.

But I'm hungry. And I hate it, and it's hard for me to be hungry and not be resentful. At least some of the time.

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