Tuesday, July 6, 2010


The Northeast heat wave continues... 93 at the moment, and humid, and really, really tiresome. I just don't want to do anything. Trying to plod along getting something done. Mostly just knitting and watching stupid TV on Hulu in lieu of actually moving and sweating.

Michael's porphyria attack is worse today... bad neuropathy yesterday, and he woke up this morning and seriously didn't recognize me for a moment. This is scary, really scary. Shades of his last hospitalizations, plus a sign that the neurological symptoms are worsening. And his weight was up, despite having a reasonable food day yesterday. So... we see the doctor as planned on Thursday, and push hard for the Mayo referral, see what we can do to get that in the works. I don't know what else to do.

It's all pretty tiresome. I was thinking yesterday... the greatest truth, in a lot of ways, is that youth is wasted on the young. I've been watching the past series of Greek... if you haven't watched this, it's a pretty formulaic but sort of charming ABC series on fraternity/sorority life at an Ohio university. And I will never, ever admit to enjoying this kind of show.... but ok, I do; it's a weird guilty pleasure. But it's also my childhood and my college days, in a way, or what they might have been if I'd known what I had when I had it. I remember back to that time, and it was so... carefree, although I would never have thought it at the time. That self-absorption of youth, and all the things that hadn't happened yet, and the future holding limitless possibility. And one day, you wake up, and the horizons aren't like that any more, and people around you are aging and dying, and everything is about health and problems and worries. We ought to live backwards, like Benjamin Button (not that I either read the story or saw the movie), living in reverse, having things become better rather than cruelly worse. Yeah, I know, it's all a little melodramatic... but it's hard to keep putting a positive spin on things. Yes, they are better than they were a year ago. But it's a long, long way to something that feels like a normal life.

And I so long for that.


Anonymous said...

But think of how awful it would be if you had to die just as things were getting really good!

Nina said...

I have thought about this a LOT. I mean, is it better to leave the party when it's great, or after it's all over and everything is pretty crappy? I could probably argue this both ways, and I'm sure it's my general depression of the moment and frustration talking... but at this very moment, I'd like to go out at the good time.