It was broiling hot here by yesterday afternoon, and we were both having a pretty bad mindset day... me because I just couldn't work up the motivation for anything, and Michael because he gets up in the morning and feels ok, but by evening, he just feels terrible, and everything is such an effort. So we went out to a movie... the two really good things that have happened, in terms of quality of life in the last few months are that Michael's started driving again (YES! I can sit and knit, plus I really think it makes his mood better, though he says no.), and he's been willing to go to the theater. So we went to see Toy Story in 3-D... FUN movie, nearly as good as the first one, I thought, plus there's a Totoro toy which won my heart. Ate some movie popcorn because we hadn't had time for dinner before this idea, and regretted it... but not a ton of popcorn, so ok.
Anyway... I got out of the theater, and went right back into that wretched headspace that plagues me these days, where everything is about sadness and loss and regret. It was a beautiful night, warm and clear, and you can almost touch what it felt like to be 16 and have all the promise and infinite possibility ahead of you, and these days for me, that's a combination of joy and deep, deep bitterness. It takes me back to missing my mother, to missing someone I loved and lost, to feeling like my whole life has taken these unexpected and awful directions. And it just feel bad. I am working very hard these days on trying to keep myself present, to stay in TODAY and not the infinite past.
I was doing just that leaving the grocery store, chanting to myself, "stay present, stay present...", and I stepped outside, and there were fireworks everywhere. So we sat in the grocery store parking lot, and watched the fireworks, and it was... if not magic, at least it was here and now.
So that's the task for today. Stay present.
Weight the same as yesterday, not surprising with popcorn and late dinner. Michael actually down a little, which is very good.