Sunday, March 15, 2009

Sunday

Some days, I sit down to write, and I think, this is the wrong stuff to put here. This blog is supposed to be about something. About weight loss or something like that. But I think... I don't know, I guess that for me, weight loss is about 10% what you actually do and 90% what you learn not to do. And at the end of the day, that's all behavioral modification, and your ability to do that is all about consistent effort... which in turn is all about the rest of your life.

It's a sunny afternoon, Michael's asleep, my son is at his father's, and I'm cleaning the kitchen. Or I'm supposed to be, anyway. I got derailed by thinking too much, as usual. And missing my mother. It's been 8 months, and I suppose that the grief has lost its immediacy. But it's like a wound that scabs over but still hurts all the time. I begin to think that there's no end to this. I can't talk about it, and I can't stop feeling it. It seems to be one of those things that is a marker, after this thing, you will never be the same. It's like having children... it's impossible to understand really what it's like to have kids until you do, and then there's no going back; your understanding of life is different forever. (Yes, I know, Circle of Life; I'm one second from humming Lion King songs.)

And I think, as I do so much these days, about where I am and what's next. About getting to some different place, where I'm not just replaying the same choices over and over again, where something actually changes. I was reading this on Escape from Obesity this morning... and, yeah, I can relate to missing the "happy" binging, to when food, a day of food, was a real source of pleasure. It's not anymore... but there's a part of me that wishes that it still was. Or, more accurately, that there was something that gave me the simple kind of pleasure that I used to be able to get by sitting down with high-carb foods and a good book and just letting the world go away. And, yes, I'm ashamed, in a way, to say that. I have different pleasures now, but it doesn't mean that I miss the old simple ones. Everything these days seems complicated and full of thought and just not easy.

Everything is ok. But some days, I just feel so profoundly tired, tired to the core, and I want to go back to a time when life seemer simpler and the choices less limited.

3 comments:

Disconnected Diva said...

I can relate to this so much ... simpler times are what I yearn for.
Please never feel guilty about your Mom. Grieve, don't hold it in. I wish I could tell you the feeling would totally leave you, but my Mother died in 1991 and not a day goes by that I don't think of her ... I wish she could see her grandbabies !

Disconnected Diva said...

Just stopping in to check on you. I haven't posted much all week, been sick with a head cold. Just trying to get caught up on some reading before Church. I noticed you had not posted a blog since Sunday (and that's not illegal or anything) but I was thinking of you and hoping all is well !

Lisa Claudia Briggs, LICSW said...

Hi Nina- saw you on mizfit. I totally get the feelings of missing the old ways of being. But as somebody who had a lifetime of overeating/binge-eating and am now free from that, I know for myself it's actually dangerous to "glamourize" or idealize in any way my former ways of eating. Because it was just too painful. I miss it like a drug addict would miss a drug- the promise of momentary escape and the ability to disconnect from my mind and my perfectionism, and my endless drive to do/be/have more.
Plus, the food stops working as well, like any substance. For me I just couldn't get the relief or the 'hit" anymore.

Anyways, I love finding people who share their journey so honestly and openly, because it's not easy, to say the least.

I consider it a personal "firewalk" a calling of our soul to move beyond where we feel most limited, most helpless, most fearful. For me it's been essentially a spiritual journey, and that has helped so much to make the physical and emotional choices that support the transformation.

Come see me at IntuitiveBody.com and let me know what you think on the blog. Website looks very "not me" right now and is in process of major design cleanup. last VA had diff. sense of what looked good...

will watch your progress with interest and send you love and light as you move forward.

xox
Lisa
http://www.IntuitiveBody.com