Saturday, March 14, 2009

Not a Happy Bunny

Somehow it turned into a rough day yesterday.

The good part: we went to see New Knee Doctor yesterday, who said, there is nothing wrong with your knees that losing another 200 lbs. would not mostly cure. (Then he looked like he had very little belief that he could do that, but let's not go there...) So that is good news, or good reinforcement anyway because it's not really anything that we didn't know.

Went to the store, came home, and the day kind of spiraled down. Michael was exhausted and tense and low, and he is still not well. I am pretty convinced that this is not flu but rather a milder version of this thing that happens again and again. The good thing is that his breathing has not been so bad, but the rest of it... rapid heart rate, blood sugar that is out of whack, water weight gain (stomach edema), wanting to sleep all the time... it's all the same. Just not so bad. I am pretty sure that it will pass (and relatively soon, with luck), but it's discouraging for him to watch the scale just go up and up (he's about 10 lbs. higher) when he's eating very little. Hard to know what to do. His weight will not be lower today, I know that... and he will be discouraged all over again.

And I don''t know what happened to me. Started ok, but got tired and tense and anxious, and then all I wanted to do was eat. Which I did. I have seen so many former binge eaters say basically this... I did not binge in any realistic calorie sense, but I could feel that the motivation behind it was the same. I even made an excuse to get up after we'd gone to bed so that I could sit up for 20 minutes and eat more. It is hard to write that. And this morning I feel sick and low and very alone.

But what can you do? It's another day. It's time to dust off the pieces, try to figure out why this happened, start again.

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