Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Kicking and Screaming

It's just one of those days.

I can't find something I really, really need; my new semester starts tomorrow, and I have no energy, plus I'm buried in tons of little stupid things that I need to do. It's been a hell of a few days, spending every day trying to decide whether this is the day that Michael's breathing problems will be bad enough to go to the hospital. And endlessly going over the symptoms again and again, trying to figure out what the hell the problem is, because no one else seems able to do that.

The good news is, he really seems better today, and I think that we're going to avoid the hospital this time. The bad news is... well, the bad news part 1 is that there's still no way of knowing what leads to this collection of symptoms... extreme weakness followed by breathing problems associated with rapid heart rate and so on. They've checked out all the ordinary stuff. Doesn't seem to be any of those things. But this is the third time this has happened, this time possibly kicked off by 10 days of antibiotics although I'm not sure how that could be, and every time it is more severe, more scary, more frustrating.

The bad news part 2 is that I really don't deal with this well. I'm great in a crisis. Fabulous. But in the aftermath, I'm exhausted and whiny, and I just want someone to fix it all for me, and little things kick off all the spoiled child in me... not being able to find the data CD that I desperately need is making me want to kick and scream until someone fixes it all for me. And Michael, though better, is nowhere near well, and still needs me to be pretty much doing everything for him. This isn't exactly the moment to be coping badly.

So, the question is, how do you learn to take care of yourself when there's no one to take care of you? In a healthy way? I know loads of unhealthy ways, but I also know that, these days, they really wouldn't make me feel any better.


Roy and Hazel said...

Oh dear, Nina! I hope your first day back at work goes well. Maybe focussing on work will help distract you from all the things are constantly nagging and worrying you at home.
PS Hope that disk turns up!

Crabby McSlacker said...

It must be so frustrating to be dealing with this and still not have any real answers about what's going on.

As to how to take care of yourself... must be really hard to take the time to give yourself what you need. But I hope that you can find at least a few moments to relax and recharge--whether it's a walk or some nice music or a warm bath or whatever.

So sorry it was frustrating day, but don't feel bad for being human. Anyone else would feel frustrated and "whiny" too. At least I sure would.

Nina said...

Woo hoo, I found my data disk! :-)